Nothing Beside Remains

11.20.2004

Dear Lew

She met him at the California State Fair. It was in the livestock corral, two little pink children among row upon row of cows and pigs and goats. They were both city kids, and the smell of dirt and hay and manure was new and exciting. She snuck secret glances at him when she thought he was looking at the prize-winning calf. Hidden behind a waterfall of dark hair, his eyes found hers. He stuck out his hand, grinning.

"I'm Lew."

"Anna," she replied, giggling and looking down at the straw-covered floor.

They soon bored of the smell of pig shit and dragged their parents out to the midway. Each bought a massive cotton-candy cloud, his blue, hers pink. They laughed as they swapped, walking under constellations of neon toward the ferris wheel.

The pair didn't meet again until September, on their first day of middle school. They had homeroom together. She wrote him a note on her new pink paper.

Sept. 2, 1984
Dear Lew,
I was wondering if you wanted to eat lunch together today. Just so we don't have to eat alone on the first day, I mean. We could meet on the cafeteria steps. If you don't want to, that's ok, though.

She signed her name with a little heart next to it. Mr Baxter saw it being passed across the narrow aisle and confiscated it before it could reach Lew. He went to eat lunch with Anna anyway.

In her mind, that was all it took. Now that he had come to her, they were irrevocably joined. They would be married, and the ferris wheel at the fair would be their ring. She dreamed of careful steps down the midway, holding a bouquet of blue sugar, the lights reflecting a swirling kaleidoscope on her bridal gown.

Just before they graduated high school, Lew announced that he was gay. Anna took a long bath that night, and didn't talk to anybody. The next morning, she went out of her way to let him see her criticizing anyone who even appeared to be a homophobe.

The time came for them to go to college. Eventually, Lew went to medical school, leaving Anna at State to try for her teaching credential. That's when she started writing to him every day.

March 18, 1996
Dear Lew,
Slept in today. My roommate made pancakes. Looking forward to that concert tomorrow. Don't worry, I'll find someone else to give your ticket to. Schoolwork first. Anyway, I'll write and tell you how it went.
Love ya,
Anna

When Lew graduated from medical school, she cheered until she was hoarse and took five rolls of pictures. She wasn't invited to the party after the ceremony.

That year, he met Roger, and they fell in love. Anna ran into the couple at the supermarket, hugged them both, and invited them to her apartment to eat. A dinner for three. Lew commented on how much he liked her new aqua-trimmed wineglasses. He didn't know that she had chosen them especially for him, for the home she imagined them having together.

July 19, 2004
Dear Lew,
What in the name of all that is holy have I done? I woke up today in a strange apartment. Tenderloin. Third floor walk-up with a fire escape rusted into oblivion. You know the type.

The bed had cheap white K-Mart sheets. Wrinkly, probably hadn't been washed in a month. A total bachelor pad. Though, come to think of it, nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little feminine influence. Some artwork, new linens, nice dishes from Crate & Barrel...

He picked me up at some bar downtown. Looked pretty good bathed in blue neon. Had a few beers. He was probably trying to get me drunk. I didn't really mind.

Took a taxi back to his place. Lots of fumbling in the backseat. I felt like I was in high school again. He ogled my breasts as I paid the driver.

Up three flights, into the bedroom. Quick and dirty. Sex between strangers, all exploration, trial and error. Mostly error. When we finished, he swung his legs around, sat on the edge of the bed and lit up a smoke. I stared at his back and started writing this letter in my head. When I fell asleep, I doubt he noticed. Too busy mentally notching his bedpost.

How was your evening? Did your party go well? I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You and Roger.

When I woke up, he was gone, a little note on the pillow. Left a note of my own, with my phone number. Email too, for good measure. I hope he calls me. He was cute enough, in the right light. Thoughtful. His name is Brian. Yeah, the sex wasn't great, but it's better than nothing, I guess.

Not as good as what I could have had with you. Nothing ever is.

Not going to send this letter. I'll add it to the pile.

Give Roger my love.

Thinking of you, always.

Love (unrequited),
Anna

PS: Do you remember when we first met? That was 20 years ago today. I never told you this, but at the fair, I loved riding the ferris wheel with you. I think that was the best night of my life.
The first safely locked in a desk drawer, Anna wrote another letter. This one, she sent right away.

July 19, 2004
Dear Lew,
Met a guy yesterday. His name is Brian. I really like him. I think you two should meet; you'll get along well. Say hi to Roger.
Kisses,
Anna

Brian soon called. She thought he was only interested in sex, but she didn't care. They drove in his Jeep to the Sacramento fairgrounds. It was the first time Anna had been there since the day she met Lew. They wandered among the booths, hands clasped, not speaking. When Brian slipped his hand around her waist, she did not object. But every time her date began to lead her towards the rides, she became intensely interested in the nearest vendor's wares. The inevitable could not be avoided, though. Like moths to a flame, the pair drifted toward the hot, sick lights of the midway. He bought her a cotton candy.

"What color?" he smirked.

"Blue." A faraway look in her eyes, a look Brian did not understand.

The man behind the counter had just sold the last blue one, he said, to a little girl. Anna turned to look, saw a pigtailed child running toward a dark-haired boy, clutching a cotton candy in each hand. The boy's eyes twinkled from underneath his bangs as his companion handed him the pink candy.

"I'll just have some popcorn, then."

They ended up in front of the ferris wheel. Brian began to hand the tattooed operator their tickets, but Anna froze.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked, blue eyes narrowing in concern.

"I'm afraid." She imagined that Lew's brown eyes, perpetually obscured by his curls, faced her now, looked at her with the degree of worry Brian's face now showed. She began to cry.

Brian held her close. "Don't worry. You don't have to go on."

"Yes, I do." She dried her eyes and allowed Brian to drape his arm around her shoulders. They rode around and around. She snuggled closer with each revolution.

December 28, 2004
Dear Anna,
I hope you had a merry Christmas. I missed your usual letter, and Roger was disappointed not to get your famous gingerbread cookies –not that he needs the calories, mind. I'm writing because I haven't heard from you in a while. It's not like you to go so long without sending even a postcard. I'm worried. So's Roger. Call me, okay?
Your friend,
Lew

January 16, 2005
Dear Lew,
Sorry I haven't written. Brian and I are getting married! Would love to have you and Roger at the wedding, but it's going to be small, just family. Honeymooning in Vegas! I don't know when I'll be back in the city, so don't worry if you don't hear from me for a while.
Bye!
Anna